When the Parent Has Been There Too: The Unique Dynamic of Shared Competitive Sports Experience
When a child plays competitive sports and their parent is also a former athlete, it creates a unique dynamic; one filled with opportunity, emotion, and sometimes, tension.
On one hand, the parent understands the demands of the game: the pressure, the discipline, the thrill of victory, and the sting of defeat. On the other hand, this shared background can lead to high expectations, unintended pressure, and blurred boundaries between support and control.
Understanding this relationship dynamic is essential for maintaining trust, emotional safety, and long-term connection, on and off the field.
The Benefits of Shared Athletic Experience
As a young athlete, having a parent who also played competitive sports in their youth can be an incredible asset. Some potential benefits include:
- Deep empathy and understanding
The parent truly gets what it feels like to train hard, compete under pressure, and navigate team dynamics or performance slumps. - Built-in mentorship
From their own experiences, parents can share real-life strategies around mindset, resilience, and discipline that are hard-earned and meaningful. - Bonding over a shared passion
Sports can become a powerful source of connection, creating opportunities for quality time, meaningful conversations, and mutual respect.
Where Tension Can Arise
Even with the best intentions, shared athletic experience can sometimes create strain in the parent-child relationship:
1. High Expectations or Over-Identification
A parent who has competed at a high level may unconsciously project their own ambitions or unresolved disappointments onto their child. The child may feel pressure to live up to the parent’s legacy, or fear that they’re not “good enough” in comparison.
“I want them to have what I never had” can quietly become “They need to succeed where I didn’t.”
2. Feedback That Feels Like Criticism
Because the parent knows the sport so well, they may offer frequent technical corrections or performance critiques. What’s meant as helpful advice can sometimes be received as criticism, especially after a tough game or practice.
3. Blurred Lines Between Parent and Coach
When parents coach from the sidelines (or at home) it can blur the lines between parenting and performance evaluation. Children may start to feel like their worth is tied to how well they perform.
Signs the Relationship Needs a Reset
- Your child seems distant or withdrawn after games.
- Post-competition conversations often turn tense or emotional.
- Your child avoids talking about practices or performance with you.
- You feel frustrated when they don’t take your advice seriously.
These are not signs of failure, they’re signs that the relationship may need rebalancing, with connection prioritized over performance.
How to Support Your Athlete Without Adding Pressure
1. Lead with Curiosity, Not Correction
Instead of jumping into feedback after a game, try asking:
- “How did you feel out there today?”
- “What’s something you’re proud of?”
- “What do you want to work on next?”
Let them process before you advise.
2. Remember: It’s Their Journey
Your child may not train the way you trained. They may have different temperaments, passion levels, or long-term goals. Honor the individuality of their experience, even when it looks different from yours.
3. Be Their Safe Place
Make it clear, verbally and emotionally, that your love and approval are not based on wins, stats, or rankings. After a tough game, don’t jump into analysis. Lead with presence:
“I’m proud of how hard you worked. Want to grab a snack and unwind?”
4. Reflect on Your Own Story
Take time to explore what sports meant to you growing up. Were there unmet needs? Lingering regrets? How might that shape your approach to your child’s experience? Self-awareness is key to breaking cycles and staying emotionally attuned.
5. Celebrate Process Over Outcome
Praise effort, improvement, and resilience over performance. Reinforce their identity as a person first, athlete second.
Final Thoughts: More Than the Game
Competitive sports offer incredible lessons, resilience, teamwork, and discipline. But the most important lessons happen off the field, in the relationship between parent and child.
When both have played the game, there’s a beautiful opportunity to bond through shared experience. The key is making sure that support doesn’t become pressure, and that your relationship always comes before performance.
Because long after the final game is played, what your child will remember most is how you made them feel, not what you told them to do.
